2024-12 Running on Empty

# Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect (Jonice Webb) *This informative guide helps you identify and heal from childhood emotional neglect so you can be more connected and emotionally present in your life.* *Do you sometimes feel like you’re just going through the motions in life? Do you often act like you’re fine when you secretly feel lonely and disconnected? Perhaps you have a good life and yet somehow it’s not enough to make you happy. Or perhaps you drink too much, eat too much, or risk too much in an attempt to feel something good. If so, you are not alone―and you may be suffering from emotional neglect.* *A practicing psychologist for more than twenty years, Jonice Webb has successfully treated numerous patients who come to her believing that something is missing inside them. While many self-help books deal with what happened to you as a child, in Running on Empty, Webb addresses the things that may not have happened for you. What goes unsaid―or what cannot be remembered―can have profound consequences that may be affecting you to this day.* *Running on Empty will help you understand your experiences and give you clear strategies for healing. It also includes a special chapter for mental health professionals. > [!info] Raw notes here: [[Running on Empty.pdf]] --- ## Introduction What didn't happen can be even more important than what did. Emotional neglect can starve a child, causing them to not be in touch with their own emotional needs, even seeing themselves as the problem. Results of emotional neglect include anxiety, marital problems, depression, anger, then passing on the same to one's own children. Good parenting recognizes the child's emotional need at a given moment, and does an adequate job of meeting it. --- ## Chapter 1: Why Wasn't the Tank Filled? Emotionally neglectful parents either 1. Fail their child in some critical way at a moment of crisis (*acute empathic failure*), or 2. Chronically do not meet some emotional need during development (*chronic empathic failure*) Three essential emotional skills in parents: 1. Parent feels emotional connection to child 2. Parent pays attention to child & sees child as a separate person, not an extension of self or own needs 3. Using that emotional connection & paying attention, parent adequately addresses child's emotional need. Example of positively addressing emotional need: 1. Avoid shaming child for mistake 2. Naming the feeling(s) 3. Support child emotionally 4. Give child a social rule 5. Make child accountable to follow it Harmful emotional neglect can be subtle-often masking as consideration or indulgence. When a child doesn't receive enough validation of their importance to the parent, or is made to feel shame at needing attention from the parent, they will grow up blind to their own emotional needs. Giving feedback (positive and negative) helps the child forge their identity. --- ## Chapter 2: Twelve Ways to End Up Empty We go through the archetypes of parents that often emotionally neglect their children. Note the same parent can be one or more of these. ##### 1. The Narcissistic Parent * Normally full of confidence & charisma, but become difficult when something shatters their sense of superiority. * When children make mistakes, they feel angry, personally humiliated – child needs support in that moment but parent makes them pay instead. * Kids are seen as just extension of parents – needs of child are needs of parent. * Can't imagine or care about how child feels. * Love is conditional. If multiple children, plays favorites. ##### 2. The Authoritarian Parent * Rule bound, punitive, inflexible demands * Don't give reasons behind rules; expect adherence * Punish or spank instead of discussing problems or feelings * Obedience = Love. Disobey is to reject * For child, having needs & wishes is selfish ##### 3. The Permissive Parent * "Don't worry, be happy"– no limits, structure, or adult presence child can rebel against. * Saying no is hard. Forcing kid to do something takes energy. Parents take the path of least resistance. * Adolescents crave freedom but shouldn't have too much – need to learn to control impulses by bumping into parents' rules & consequences. * No feedback = need to figure out strengths, weaknesses themselves ##### 4. The Bereaved Parent (widowed or divorced) * Children who lose a parent have their own grieving to do, but the remaining parent in "survival mode" or overwhelmed by their own feelings is unable to help the child deal with theirs. ##### 5. The Addicted Parent * Broad range of compulsive behaviors * Parent behaves like two people – either in midst of addictive behavior, or not. Good parent when not, but frightening, immature, selfish, or inappropriate at times. * Memories of family life are mixed, and child develops into anxious, insecure adult. ##### 6. The Depressed Parent * The Depressed Parent has no energy for parenting, and is missing in action, irritable, or glum with family. * Children grow up not knowing how to get positive attention from adults – become troublemakers, end up doing drugs b/c can't self soothe, don't learn they're worthwhile so end up depressed or out of control themselves. ##### 7. The Workaholic Parent * Children learn their feelings & needs aren't as important → Damages self-worth. * Children learn their accomplishments aren't worth celebrating → Damages self-esteem. * Children get little sympathy since the family has money, and so learn to blame themselves instead. * Losing parents to success is invisible to everyone. ##### 8. The Parent with Special Needs Family Member * Caregiving that should be given to child is compromised * Often child asked to selflessly help out * Parents minimize child's distress (since can't possibly help) and expect a maturity that child is not capable of yet. ##### 9. Achievement/Perfection-focused( AP) parent * Some narcissistic parents are also AP since it makes them look better * Healthy AP parenting *supports* child to achieve what the *child* wants. Unhealthy AP parenting pressures *child* to achieve what the *parent* wants. * Child's needs & awareness of their own feelings are squelched in favor of what parent wants, and/or for the child's "future" which they're too young to understand. ##### 10. The Sociopathic Parent * Can do/say anything without feeling guilt; no conscience * Lack of empathy – can "love" you if they are in control of you, but despise you if they're not. * Most reliable indicator is someone who does something to hurt you, but then carries on as if they didn't ##### 11. Child as Parent * Child needs to act like the parent since some hardship in the family makes parents unwilling/unable to do so * Child doesn't get support to sort out own feelings ##### 12. Well meaning but neglected themselves (WMBNT) parent * It's possible for a parent who loves and wants the best for his child to emotional neglect her. * Love ≠ In tune with child. In tune with child means the parent: 1. Needs to understand emotions in general 2. Needs to be observant to know what child can & can't do as she develops. 3. Needs to be willing & able to put in the energy to truly know his child. * Need to understand and be aware of the connections between Behavior, Feelings, Relationships. * Emotionally neglected children develop a blind spot to emotions, and then propagate the neglect to their own children. --- ## Chapter 3: The Neglected Child, All Grown Up Childhood is the foundation of a house; adulthood is the house. Can have a perfectly normal looking house (intelligent, likable, lovable person) with a structural flaw in the foundation that causes issues and can fall apart entirely in great stress. Manifests as significant struggles with: ##### 1. Feelings of Emptiness * Feeling of discomfort, like something's missing – emotional numbness, disconnected, not enjoying life as you should. * The fuel of life is feeling. "How are you feeling right at this moment?" Become aware of your own emotions again. ##### 2. Counter-Dependence * Make every effort *not* to rely on other people, even to one's own detriment. * Feelings of wanting to run away, loved ones complain you're emotionally distant, very hard to ask for help, not comfortable in close relationships. ##### 3. Unrealistic Self-Appraisal * Not necessarily too positive or negative, but simply off. An accurate sense of self-appraisal is necessary for self-esteem and identity. * Children are highly sensitive to feedback, their strengths and weaknesses, etc – especially from parents. ##### 4. No Compassion for Self; Plenty for Others * seem to forgive others' flaws easily, so viewed as compassionate and forgiving. But much more critical of own flaws; often perfectionists. ##### 5. Guilt and Shame – What is Wrong With Me? * Little tolerance for strong feelings, on feelings at all. Blame self when angry, sad, frustrated, nervous, even happy. ##### 6. Self-Directed Anger, Self-Blame * Shame taken one step further becomes self-directed anger * Self destructive behavior, alcohol and drug abuse, disgust w/ oneself ##### 7. The Fatal Flaw – If People Really Know Me, They Won't Like Me * Feeling of something fundamentally wrong with them; that they have to keep secret. * Comes from child's attempt to answer "what is wrong with me?" I'm worthless, weak, stupid, ... * "If people got to know me, they won't like me." Manifests as trouble getting close to people, opening up. ##### 8. Difficulty Nurturing Self and Others * Nurturance = love, care, help * Discomfort with being loved or cared for; resentment for others needing your own love and care. * Others perceive you as cold; come to you for advice but not emotional support. ##### 9. Poor Self-Discipline * Lifelong struggle with feeling lazy, unmotivated; procrastinating. * Also manifests as drinking too much, overeating, boredom w/ tedium of life. * Parents setting rules & expectations teaches child how to force themselves to do tedious, mundane, thankless tasks before self-indulging. ##### 10. Alexithymia * Deficiency in knowledge about and awareness of emotion. * Emotions that are not acknowledged end up jumbled together and manifest as irritability or anger, sometimes explosively. * Relationships often end up shallow. --- ## Chapter 4: Cognitive Secrets: The Special Problem of Suicidal Feelings Many suicides seem unattributable to any event or illness. Emptiness or numbness can be worse than pain. Dangerous factors that increase risk of self-charm: * Emptiness and numbness * Suffering in silence * Questioning the meaning and value of own life * Escape fantasy – imagining people around reacting to one's death and finally understanding one's pain --- ## Chapter 5: How Change Happens There's no one-size-fits-all approach. choose the practice sheets, techniques, and suggestions that apply to you. ##### Factors that Get in the Way of Successful Change ###### 1. False expectations... * ... that change is linear – it's actually two steps forward, one step back. Work your way through the backward steps. * ... that setbacks are failures. Self anger is the enemy of progress. * ... that if you get off-track, you might as well give up. Getting off track is immaterial to your ultimate success, as long as you don't give up. ###### 2. Avoidance. Change is hard because: * You have to make yourself do something that feels foreign * You have to make yourself do something that you find difficult * You have to be persistent * Making a change requires a lot of work. Face it head on. When your avoidance kicks in, turn around and challenge it. ###### 3. Discomfort. When you start to feel different, or when people start to treat you differently, suddenly things don't feel as familiar or safe. Don't let it send you back to square one. --- ## Chapter 6: Why Feelings Matter and What to Do With Them ##### 1. Understand the Purpose and Value of your Emotions. The smartest people are those who use their emotions to help them think, and use their thoughts to manage their emotions. Listen to what your feeling is telling you, then figure out a way to better your situation, your life, or the world around you. Emotions are our body's way of communicating with us and driving us to do things. *Every emotion has a purpose.* For example: * Fear → escape/self preservation * Anger → fight back/self protection * Love → care for child, spouse, others * Passion → procreate, create, invent * Hurt → Correct a situation * Sadness → we're losing something important * Compassion → help others * Disgust → avoid something * Curiosity → explore and learn Emotions fuel human connections that give life the depth and richness that makes it worthwhile. ##### 2. Identifying and Naming Your Feelings Ignored or neglected emotions can: * Become physical symptoms GI distress, headaches, back pain * Turn into depression, eating problems, sleep problems * Sap your energy * Cause you to explode at random times – blow up over nothing * Aggravate anxiety and panic attacks * Keep your relationships superficial * Make you empty and unfulfilled * Cause you to question the purpose and value of your own life Recognize your feelings and put them in words. Name your feelings. ##### 3. Learning to Self-Monitor Your Feelings Perform this exercise alone, in a room with no distractions. 1. Close your eyes 2. Ask yourself, "what am I feeling right now?" 3. Once you have an answer, ask "why am I feeling \_\_\_ right now?" * Is something going on; happened recently or in the past? * Do I have this feeling often? Has it always been with me? * What could have happened in the past to cause it? Do this 3x a day for at least a week. ##### 4. Accepting and Trusting Your Own Feelings Remember these rules: 1. Judge yourself for your actions only, not your emotions. There is no bad emotion. Everyone has felt the same feelings. 2. Feelings don't always make rational sense, but they always exist for a good reason. Every emotion can be explained if you try hard enough. 3. Emotions can be very powerful, but they can be managed. IAAA Steps: * Identify the feeling * Accept it – don't judge as bad or good * Attribute it to a cause * Identify if there's an Action that it calls for; if appropriate, take it. ##### 5. Learning to Express your Feelings Effectively Express your emotions assertively, with compassion. Putting words to your feelings and sharing them can help you cope and feel better, like magic. Be aware of how what you are about to say may affect the other person. ##### 6. Recognizing, Understanding, and Valuing Emotions in Relationships False beliefs about emotions in relationships: 1. Sharing your feelings or troubles with others will make them feel burdened. 2. Sharing feelings or troubles will chase them away. 3. If you let others know how you feel, they will use it against you. 4. Sharing feelings will make you look weak. 5. Letting others see your weaknesses puts you at a disadvantage. 6. It's best not to fight if you want to have a good relationship. 7. Talking about a problem isn't helpful. only action solves a problem. Friendship: building emotional depth will make relationships stronger and deeper. Marriage: couples are often missing a feeling of emotional connection. Build depth by asking horizontal & vertical questions. Horizontal: getting information Vertical: getting understanding Vertical questioning requires carefully listening to the other person's answer, then pushing them inward and driving them deeper into their emotions. Must be done with care and compassion. --- ## Chapter 7: Self-Care Adults who were emotionally neglected as children often don't know their own needs, wants, and feelings. If parents had enough compassion and empathy for what you were feeling as a child, you'll have the same for yourself as an adult. If parents had enough closeness, caring, and acceptance in their relationship with you as a child, you'll have a good capacity for intimate relationships as an adult. When you grow up emotionally neglected, you will have to develop these skills – which will be hard, take time, but will be worth it. ### Self-Care Part 1: Learning to Nurture Yourself Taking the steps that are necessary to have a healthy, enjoyable life. ##### Step A: Putting Yourself First **Learn to say no.** Anyone has the right to ask you for anything; you have an equal right to say no, without giving a reason. If you feel guilty or uncomfortable saying no, read a book on assertiveness. > [!abstract] "Saying no" change sheet > Track the number of times you say no per day. **Ask for help.** Other people don't feel guilty or uncomfortable saying no. > [!abstract] "Asking for help" change sheet > Track the number of times you ask for help per day. **Discover your likes and dislikes.** > [!abstract] Likes and dislikes change sheet > Log anything that can be categorized as a like or a dislike. **Put a higher priority on your own enjoyment.** The emotionally neglected are at far smaller risk of becoming selfish than most people. Don't worry. > [!abstract] Prioritizing enjoyment change sheet > Track the number of times you prioritize your own enjoyment per day. ##### Step B: Eating It's the parents' responsibility to help children develop a healthy relationship with food. Compare your adult eating habits with your childhood eating experiences: * Family eating together? * Eating a balanced diet, limit junk food, eat veggies and fruits with every meal? * Are you/were your parents a good cook? * Times when literally no food in house for a meal? * Eat a lot of frozen food? "Kid food" like chicken nuggets? * Skip meals? Over eat? Are there any areas in your relationship with food that are not healthy? > [!abstract] Eating change sheet > Track the number of times per day you override an unhealthy habit. ##### Step C: Exercise Building blocks for good exercise habits: 1. You realize and understand the value and importance of exercise. 2. You have found a form of exercise that's enjoyable to you. 3. You are good with self-discipline. If not neglected as a child, higher chance of having enjoyed in childhood a sport or physical activity that carried over to adulthood. Compare adult life to childhood/your own parents again: * Belief that exercise is important? * Describe yourself as active? Enjoy playing one or more sports? Other enjoyable physical activity, like hiking, swimming, running, weightlifting, bicycling? * Able to force yourself to exercise when you don't want to? Did your parents force you outside when you didn't want to? * Should you exercise more? * Struggle with self discipline in general? Were your parents too lax or strict with discipline? > [!abstract] Exercise change sheet > Add a check mark to each day you exercise. ##### Step D: Rest and Relaxation Most emotionally neglected people either rest and relax too little, or they rest and relax too much. Some flip back and forth with little balance. A parent who is in tune w/ her child can tell when child is hungry, tired – and to the best of her ability makes sure the child eats or sleeps, whether the child wants to or not. She does this on a consistent schedule, not when it's convenient to her. This teaches the chid the same skills, to override her own impulses and do things she may not want to do. > [!abstract] R&R change sheet > Add a check mark to each day you rest or relax. ### Self-Care Part 2: Improving Self-Discipline Self-discipline = making yourself do things you don't want to do, stopping yourself from doing things you shouldn't do. When your parents make you come home for dinner, give you chores & follow up to make sure you do it, make you brush teeth 2x a day, continue to love you but set your curfew earlier because you thoughtlessly break it, it's all teaching self discipline. You internalize your parents' voices, which in adulthood become your own. The internalized parent voice is very important. When it's missing, you create your own – and often it's erratic, too harsh or too indulgent; not mature, measured, caring, and firm. > [!abstract] Self-discipline change sheet > Every day, do 3 things you don't want to do, or stop yourself from doing 3 things you want to do but shouldn't. ### Self-Care Part 3: Self-Soothing Also a skill learned from parents: rubbing child's back to help him fall asleep after nightmare; listening carefully to child's long story about something bad at school; sitting with calm quiet empathy through child's tantrum. No two people are soothed the same way. What were the things you found comforting as a child? During the most emotionally challenging times as an adult? **Self talk**: the most useful and versatile soothing mechanism. Talk yourself through your uncomfortable feeling state. * *"It's only a feeling, and feelings don't last forever."* * *"You know you meant well."* * *"You tried your best; it just didn't work out."* * *"Just wait it out – this will pass."* * *"Figure out what I can learn from this, then put it behind me." > [!abstract] Soothing change sheet > Make your self-soothing list. ### Self-Care Part 4: Having Compassion for Yourself Requires you to treat yourself well first – Parts 1-3. ##### Principle 1: Golden Rule in Reverse "Do unto yourself as you would do unto others." ##### Principle 2: Become Aware of Self-Directed Anger. Any time you feel angry with yourself, turn the compassion you have for others upon yourself. ##### Principle 3: Give Yourself the Benefit of Your Own Wisdom and Compassion. Why should others get the benefit of your help and caring, but not you? ##### Principle 4: Develop an Inner Loving-But-Firm Voice Have a dialogue – question yourself in a nonjudgmental way, about what went wrong, and how to prevent in future. Your loving-but-firm voice takes 4 steps: 1. Holds you accountable for mistake without jumping to judgment or blame 2. Helps you think through what part of the mistake is your fault and what part due to other people or circumstances 3. Determines what to do differently to prevent this error from happening again in the future 4. Helps you realize you've learned something important from this mistake and lets you put it behind you. All of life is about learning, growing, and becoming better. ##### Principle 5: Allow Yourself to Be Human. Making mistakes is an essential part of being human – just like having feelings. Having had a childhood devoid of some of the most important components of emotional health and self-care leaves you with no choice but to re-parent yourself in your adulthood. If you do the work of building yourself up, you'll reap the tremendous rewards – kindness and calmness within and for yourself that you never knew existed. --- ## Chapter 8: Giving Your Child What You Never Got Children are remarkably resilient. As soon as we change what we give them, they'll change, sometimes over a while. ### 1. Your Parental Guilt Many parents have some degree of guilt about how they are raising their child. Guilt is not necessary for good parenting, and can be detrimental. Guilt interferes with making good parenting decisions – harder to say no when you're feeling guilty; makes you second guess yourself; weakens your authority. Instead of being harsh on yourself( which just saps your energy), hold yourself accountable but understand that all parents make mistakes. ### 2. The Changes You Have Made So Far Children who see you start valuing yourself and your own needs will grow up knowing how to prioritize their own needs. If children react negatively at first, try to dive underneath their behavior – say "I know it must be hard for you when I change how I make my decisions" – validate their feelings. ### 3. Identify Your Own Specific Parenting Challenges See where emotional neglect has affected you – those are the highest risk areas for passing the same along to your own children. 1. Feelings of emptiness 2. Counter-dependence 3. Unrealistic self-appraisal 4. No compassion for self; plenty for others 5. Self directed anger& blame 6. Guilt & shame – what's wrong with me? 7. Fatal flaw – if people got to know me, they won't like me 8. Difficulty nurturing self & others 9. Lack of self discipline 10. Alexithymia – poor awareness & understanding of emotions How do each of these symptoms manifest in parenting? ##### 1. Emptiness vs. Premium-Grade Octane Feelings of emptiness come when your emotional tank wasn't filled up as a kid. You can only fill your child's once yours is filled up. The more love, compassion, understanding you have for yourself, the more you will have for your child and their tank will be filled too – with premium grade octane that will sustain them for their lifetimes. ##### 2. Counter-Dependence vs. Mutually Interdependent Mutual interdependence is when both parties are independent people but rely on each other for some things at some times. As parents, the more you ask others for help, the more your child will do the same. And the more you're there for your child when they actually need you, the more your child will grow to be able to rely on others too. This requires: * Emotional connection so you know when to step in & help * Pay attention to know what your child can & can't do * Respond competently with meaningful, appropriate help ##### 3. Unrealistic Self-Appraisal vs. Strong, Clear Sense of Self Children learn about themselves by seeing their reflection in their parents' eyes. Can't learn much if their parents aren't looking at them. What does "paying attention" mean? Means noticing their likes & dislikes, strengths & weaknesses, remembering them, and feeding them back helpfully. Give your child feedback every day. Be honest & loving, caring & clear. Avoid giving feedback that's too harsh or not realistic. Sometimes even just being there & absorbing is enough. ##### 4. No Compassion for Self vs. Compassion Teach your child compassion, to love & forgive herself. Do unto your child as you wish your parents had done unto you. Usually that means hold off on reacting immediately – not your default reaction. Step in & help when you see child punishing herself for mistakes or being too hard on herself. Give your child the benefit of your wisdom & compassion. Hold her responsible, help if she's too harsh on herself, help her learn from her mistakes, and forgive her. Help your child develop a loving-but-firm inner voice. 1. Talk through what happened & why 2. Help her determine for herself where she went wrong 3. Reassure her the point of making mistakes is learning from them 4. Forgive her & help her forgive herself ##### 5. Guilt & Shame vs. Healthy Self-Acceptance Accept & validate your child's emotions. You can't stop feelings – you have to find their source. Ask questions to get to the original cause of the feeling: "Let's figure out together what's going on here and what we can do about it." Feelings are a core part of identity – listen to them, but don't be overwhelmed by them. ##### 6. Self-Blame us. Forgiving If we don't move on from the many mistakes we'll make, we'll become stuck in them. Put the mistakes in the past, in proportion with reality. ##### 7. Fatal flaw vs. Likeable and Loveable Just *knowing* you are loved isn't enough – you have to *feel* it. Warm, caring hugs; laughter; truly enjoying your child's personality. You have to deal with your own fatal flaw – the more love you have for yourself, the more you have to give. ##### 8. Difficulty Nurturing vs. Giving & Caring Do everything you can to make sure your child never runs dry. * Spontaneously give her a hug or ask if she's ok if she looks sad. * Spend extra time with child if she needs it. * If she's going through a difficult transition, talk to her more about it and spend more time on it. * Be aware in general of what she's feeling. Help her identify those feelings. Accept & validate those feelings. ##### 9. Poor Self-Discipline vs. In Control Poor self discipline is a reflection of discipline received from parents. Need to learn: * how to do something you don't want to do * how to stop doing something you shouldn't do Provide: * Structure * Clear rules * Appropriate, predictable consequences ##### 10. Alexithymia vs. Emotionally Aware Emotional intelligence is a higher predictor of success than intellectual. 1. Pay attention & notice what your child is feeling. 2. Make an effort to feel what your child is feeling 3. Put the feeling in words & teach her to use her own words to express her feelings 4. Use vertical questioning to help her understand these feelings 5. Make emotions part of everyday life; language of emotions part of everyday vernacular. It's our job to reshuffle the cards; to give our kids the advantages that we never had. --- ## Chapter 9: For the Therapist Emotional neglect is at the corner of attachment theory & emotional intelligence. * Attachment theory: infant's attachment to mother (mother's attunement to infant's gestures & emotions) significantly impacts personality as an adult. * Emotional intelligence: * Knowing one's emotions * Managing emotions * Motivating oneself * Recognizing emotions in others * Handling relationships Identifying emotional neglect: patients will also 1. Express guilt, discomfort, self-directed anger for having feelings 2. Fiercely defend parents from therapist interpretations 3. Doubt substance of memories from childhood (childhood feels like a blur) 4. Lack understanding of how emotions work – their own + others * Repeated physical discomfort (squirming or fidgeting) when talking about emotions * Telling emotionally intense stories in a way with no emotional content * Changing subject quickly or resorting to humor when therapist steers conversation in an emotional direction * Repeated inability to answer feeling questions: * Intellectual answers: "How did you feel when she said that?" "...that she was being a jerk." * Avoidant answers: "How did you feel when she said that?" "I didn't realize she was mad until she said that." 5. Counter-dependence – express remorse that they need therapist's help 6. Memories how to glean what didn't happen from memories of events? Look for these types of memories: * Parent drastically misunderstanding child's feelings, needs, or personality * Parent negating, ignoring, or oversimplifying child's emotions * Parent having a favorite phrase that squelches child's emotional expression: "don't be a baby", "stop crying", "get over it" * Significant feelings of deprivation in a non physical area: "I really wanted to play guitar but my parents forced me to play the violin" * Memories that seem unimportant but have a lot of emotion attached to them Treatment 1. Treat the presenting problem first – to build trust & confidence 2. Counter the counter-dependence – catch& address it directly every time. Ask questions: "do you think it's wrong to ask for my help?" 3. Build tolerance for emotion – gradual desensitization, not implosive therapy. Point out emotion when talking, ask how they were feeling during events they share, use the language of emotions. Reflect feelings back when they are unaware – "you say it's no big deal, but I can hear the anger in your voice." 4. Provide mirroring – carefully observe her preferences, learning style, cognitive style, aesthetics, strengths, weaknesses, relational style. 5. Provide the healthy balanced parental voice – talk through mistakes, why it happened, what they can learn from it. 6. Resist the urge to indulge your client – call out if client isn't trying their hardest; it client is trying to absolve self of all wrongdoing, as if only options are to be absolved or excoriated. 7. Challenge self-castigation – call out when this happens & help build self-compassion. --- ## Appendix Assertiveness book: Robert Alberti, *Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships* * https://www.amazon.com/Your-Perfect-Right-Assertiveness-Relationships/dp/1886230854 Relationship improvement book: Terrence Real, *The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work* * https://www.amazon.com/New-Rules-Marriage-What-Need/dp/0345480864